You know that bit in ST:The Next Generation, where a female Klingon in heat appears on the bridge of the Enterprise, and Worf is all like “Noes, my primal urges!” and Geordi asks “Worf? Is this your idea of sex?” and Worf yells, in the most plaintive ‘I touch myself at night’ voice ever “THIS IS SEX!”
He was wrong.
Sex is now defined by the type of Star Trek cologne that you wear. Whether you’re speaking slowly and haltingly as you fumble with the bra of a green skinned beauty or you’re tossing logic and your uniform to the winds in the throes of passion, there is a scent for you.
Tiberius - For those with a cavalier attitude to diplomacy and a winning smile, this is the cologne for you. “Citron zest, black pepper and cedar create refreshingly clear top notes, layered over a wooded, spicy scent.” It’s quite possible all that slashfic about Kirk and Spock stemmed from one raised eyebrow at the scent of Tiberius wafting through the bridge.
Red Shirt – For when you’re just dying to wear something eye catching. Be a target for attention, and certain death, with this deliciously foolhardy scent. A combination of “green mandarin, bergamot and hints of lavender…with base notes of leather and grey musk” this could be your ticket to love, adventure and promotion! I mean, bridge crew wear red shirts now. Really!
Pon Farr – For the ladies, and those few others who identify with being calm, logical and infinitely superior intellects, there is this fascinating scent. “Light top notes of citrus, blackcurrant, water lily and lotus blossom are complemented by base notes of sandalwood, peach and mulberry.” Definitely something to hint at in your next mind meld with your significant other. Who knows, maybe you too will be able to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement wherein the you can express your unending commitment to the principles of the union. (I bags Tuvok.)
Limited Edition: KHAAANN! – What can I say about this one? Guaranteed to make your yells of pleasure defy the laws of space? So heady, the urge to bear your chest in manly displays will be nigh on impossible to resist? So powerful, you’ll need to destroy an entire planet just to get the smell from your imagination? I’d talk about what’s in it (ambergris!) but who gives a shit what it smells like, JUST GET IT. Don’t make me kill your only son (that you know about).
I eagerly await the release of Riker - a gutpunching hit of well-groomed, balls-to-the-face manliness; Neelix - a slightly fruity scent with an undertone of pedophilia; and Chekov – cute accents with an explosive tactical advantage over the opposite sex.
Available here at Genki Wear
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